You know what would’ve gone a long way into making this movie not be the shameful embarrassment that it is?
Just a tiny portion of genuine conflict between ANY of the “characters” (read: meat puppets and/or robots possessed with those laughably & vaguely described murder demon robots who worship the devil). Like any actual push and pull between two opposite forces as the natural profession of a story where one side will only win so a conflict becomes useful as the movie gets over the 20 minute milestone, (a point that feels like the 4 hour mark in this instance), and you want your audience to actually care enough to see how things get resolved, you know...?
Or...just hear me out...perhaps just ONE character with a semblance of a backstory that precedes the events of the film’s first act — maybe...?
Look. I know this movie is a rejected script from the FNAF video game(s?), and I know those games were popular for being loosely based on a real business from the late 80’s, (or are still in business if you live in a state like Tennessee...yes, that was a dig at Dollyworld, because I’ve been, and even as a 20 something just trying to laugh at the absurdity of it all, it was profoundly depressingly, haunting, and sickening to see thousands of Southern obese folks in the U.S. throw hundreds of dollars away on what can only be described as pathologically deranged excesses of salt, sugar, and grease-soaked concessions while the employees’ own self-loathing permeated the atmosphere the moment you drove into the unnecessarily large parking lot).
My point being that FNAF, the game, the possible movie (eventually?), or any of its god awful spin-offs like this film & the Banana Splits movie couldn’t be further from the kind of story I’d want to watch a movie about — especially when these hack writers dare to tell me this is supposed to be a “Horror” film, or “Horror Comedy,” whatever.
It’s barely a film, it’s never intentionally funny, and disappointingly it’s never even unintentionally funny. This is a legitimate exercise in testing one’s own mental fortitude; how long can you watch this before you eagerly leap at your phone to eagerly be distracted by literally whatever meaningless notification you’ve just received.
Oh Nic Cage isn’t going to speak the entire film? “What an impressive performance,” (said nobody, ever, about this movie).
If you’re only choices are to watch this film or to watch an 12 hour marathon of “The Masked Singer,” I mean...obviously watch this movie because it’s not 12 hours long. But that’s the nicest thing I can say about it. Willy’s Wonderland: marginally less psychologically tormenting than watching several episodes of “The Masked Singer.” What a high bar this movie cleared.... (not).
Review by oftenevilBlockedParent2021-03-06T15:24:47Z
You know what would’ve gone a long way into making this movie not be the shameful embarrassment that it is?
Just a tiny portion of genuine conflict between ANY of the “characters” (read: meat puppets and/or robots possessed with those laughably & vaguely described murder demon robots who worship the devil). Like any actual push and pull between two opposite forces as the natural profession of a story where one side will only win so a conflict becomes useful as the movie gets over the 20 minute milestone, (a point that feels like the 4 hour mark in this instance), and you want your audience to actually care enough to see how things get resolved, you know...?
Or...just hear me out...perhaps just ONE character with a semblance of a backstory that precedes the events of the film’s first act — maybe...?
Look. I know this movie is a rejected script from the FNAF video game(s?), and I know those games were popular for being loosely based on a real business from the late 80’s, (or are still in business if you live in a state like Tennessee...yes, that was a dig at Dollyworld, because I’ve been, and even as a 20 something just trying to laugh at the absurdity of it all, it was profoundly depressingly, haunting, and sickening to see thousands of Southern obese folks in the U.S. throw hundreds of dollars away on what can only be described as pathologically deranged excesses of salt, sugar, and grease-soaked concessions while the employees’ own self-loathing permeated the atmosphere the moment you drove into the unnecessarily large parking lot).
My point being that FNAF, the game, the possible movie (eventually?), or any of its god awful spin-offs like this film & the Banana Splits movie couldn’t be further from the kind of story I’d want to watch a movie about — especially when these hack writers dare to tell me this is supposed to be a “Horror” film, or “Horror Comedy,” whatever.
It’s barely a film, it’s never intentionally funny, and disappointingly it’s never even unintentionally funny. This is a legitimate exercise in testing one’s own mental fortitude; how long can you watch this before you eagerly leap at your phone to eagerly be distracted by literally whatever meaningless notification you’ve just received.
Oh Nic Cage isn’t going to speak the entire film? “What an impressive performance,” (said nobody, ever, about this movie).
If you’re only choices are to watch this film or to watch an 12 hour marathon of “The Masked Singer,” I mean...obviously watch this movie because it’s not 12 hours long. But that’s the nicest thing I can say about it. Willy’s Wonderland: marginally less psychologically tormenting than watching several episodes of “The Masked Singer.” What a high bar this movie cleared.... (not).